Still haven't found what I am looking for

The Irish bastard had some really good weed so we headed back to my place to smoke some. After we got a little stoned, Bono starts calling the homeland security freephone number:

"Hello, I have information regarding the wereabouts of Bin Laden, is this a confidential number"

"Yes, it is sir"

" Well if you go 220 miles out from Afganistan. 30 degrees latitude and 340 degrees longitude, 3rd cave on the left you should find him, now how much is the reward again ?"

"Hold the line sir"

( Me and Bono are in hysterics at this stage)

"Sir that area has all been checked, Are you Irish by the way"

"Yes I am"

"Don't you have any bomb threats to make ?"

"Listen you bastard I have done an awful lot to help alleviate the worlds problems. I have embraced lepers, talked economics with some of smartest people in the world...."

"Look Bono, next time you call switch off your caller id" click.

Bono didn't stay over that night. He left a bit red faced

The Unusual suspects

Every second wednesday of the month, my pub quiz team get together and compete in the Alligator lounge in Manhattan. Mrs Bacon will mind Kevin Jnr and Kelvin and I get to breathe a little. We are called "The Unusual Suspects" Kevin Spacey came up with the name but we had to drop him for everyones favourite spastic, Stevo Hawkins. Kevin was okay but Stevo is able to cheat by using the internet on his interface thingo. Thats his secret hes not really that intelligent its really just google giving him all the answers. We have to turn down his volume control though otherwise everyone hears the frickin' answers. We stuffed up last night though in the finals against Team Guttenberg. It was the final round and every member of the team is given a question. Heres how I remember the final questions, first up was Mel Gibson versus Tina Turner of Team Guttenberg- we all sang "We don't need another hero" to support Mel

QuizMaster: Which events lead to the start of the first world war ?

Mel hits buzzer: The Jews

Quizmaster: No I'm sorry, not the answer I was looking for

Mel: Goddammit the Jews are responsible for every frickin war there was, don't you guys get it yet, the only war there not responsible for is the War on poverty

Quizmaster: I'm sorry, Tina

Tina: The main event was the murder of Franz Ferdinand by Gavrilo Princip

Mel: Princip was a jew, you are all frickin jews"

Mel picks up his empty beer glass. I jump up and restrain him. Hawkins has wet himself with fear. Mel is frothing at the mouth and begin babbling arameic. This is not looking good for the Unusual Suspects.
Next up was Tom Cruise in a head to head with my old pal, Bono. Bono was a last minute call up by Guttenberg as Guttenbergs 14 year old male roommate from Cambodia is having visa issues.

Quizmaster: Who is considered the father of modern psychiatry

Tom : L R Hubbard, I mean Lord of all the thetans, its all bullshit every ailment can be solved by vitamins and exercise, even homo..

Bono: Freud

Tom: Bono, Freud is a goddam Fraud, he was just a homo himself, I mean really

By now Tom is doing his world famous couch dance. We have one last chance and his sittin in his own piss

Hawkins versus Winslow. Mike Winslow, Man of 10,000 sounds that noone wants to hear. This was a very memorable exchange

Quizmaster: What was the name of the first james bond movie ?

Winslow then does the best impression of Hawkins I've heard and says " Doctor No..... Spinal Cord". Well even Stevo laughed at that one

The 50 dollar bar tab went to Team Guttenberg. Me and Bono split the scene

Movie roles I have turned down Pt 1

Jabba the Bacon - yes, George Lucas wanted to use me to play Jabba in Return of The Jedi. He said he needed someone who can do sleaze well and no-one does sleaze like Kevin Bacon. I am sleazier than a guy in a trench coat crouching behind a bush holding a fishing rod with a chocolate bar at the end in a playground. The problem was the fat suit they wanted me to wear - big problemo. The Baconater does not work out three times a day to wear a fat suit. So I had to turn the gig down. Would have liked to have that Carrie Fisher dancing around on a chain though. If me and her were forced to work overtime... I would make love to her in the following order- ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth and If I had any left ass. yes definately ass

The Baconater investigates

People always ask me do you really know everyone in the world and yes I have to say I do. Come christmas time Mrs Bacons hand hurts so bad after all those cards that she has to use the left one to provide me with hand relief. But its kinda cool as it feels like a different lady - sometimes she sits on it to make it numb so she can pretend its someone else jerking me off. I digress

Anyway one thing we have noticed when sending out cards is that since John Ritter "died". We are still getting Christmas Cards from beyond the grave. His address is now listed as the same address as John Edwards on upon investigating I have noticed that If I you look closely there is very little difference between them. Could it be that John Ritter and Edwards are actually the same person.....hmmm

Six degrees of Segregation

The people that know me best would definately know that the Baconater digs black people. I don't know whether its the big toothy grins or the dancing ability. I love em all sometimes too much for stuffy old Mrs Bacon. Mrs Bacon will say for example "I'm not racist, some of my best friends are black" or she'll go after a celebrity dinner- "Wow, isn't that Morgan Freeman articulate for a nigger"
Me on the other hand - I love all black culture- Fried Chicken, Peter Dosh, McHammer all that good stuff. I like to touch their afro hair sometimes to make them feel special. So I'd like to pass on some tips if faced with having to interact with a person from the dark continent. Here is my six degrees of segregation

1. Address the male species as "Da Man"- this makes him feel special

2. Ask them where they are from in Africa- this shows interest in their backgrounds

3. Compliment them liberally on they're singing ability (as they all can)

4. Tell them you envy their natural rhythms

5. Tell them that Richard Prior/ Eddie Murphy/ Chris Rock are the best comedians ever

6. Apologize for slavery and .....stuff

Sunday Bloody Sunday

So Bono spent the weekend with me in New York. Crazy Irish Bastard. Calls me up "Bacon, whats the bleeding story with ya, I've got shit loads a coke with your name on it" erm Coke with my name on it. So he comes over and we spell Bacon + Bono on a huge mirror and snort as much as we can. Now its a little known fact but Bono and me we love to make prank phone calls when we're high. So we noticed this advertisement in the newspaper for a "soda stream". This guy wanted 10 bucks for it but said he didn't have any flavors or bottles to go with it. Quick as a flash, Bono the mick bastard is already on the phone to him. "hey there buddy tell me have you sold that soda stream yet ?""No I haven't, are you interested" "No, but you would be interested in buying some flavors and bottles from me, that way you could sell the soda stream for more" Click ...oh man me and Bono were in hysterics after that we hit a few bars and I can't remember much else ..Bono slept on the sofa and Mrs Bacon wasn't too pleased the next day. Man those Irish can drink no wonder they wrote that song "Sunday Bloody Sunday" with all the drinking they do on a Saturday night

one man musical

I do some charity work with stroke victims at the weekend and I was thinking wouldn't it be cool to perform a one man musical of different strokes with the stroke victims as a kinda of choir. It could raise awareness of issues such as midgetism and also funny at the same time. I think I would play the best Arnold though a bit of shoe polish would do the trick